Lelia Schott, "Neuro Emotional Parent Coach"

"People are their own best experts. 

As a facilitator, I help clients learn how to integrate their experiences 

into their bodies and minds, unlocking emotional sovereignty 

and supporting their relationships." 

by Lelia Schott

"The term "delinquency" is frequently used in a disrespectful and misleading manner. Nonetheless, in academic contexts, it refers specifically to the criminal or seriously harmful antisocial behaviors exhibited by young individuals

I'm writing this article, drawing inspiration from Dr. Gordon Neufeld's valuable insights. He is a thoughtful leader in parenting, education, psychology, and therapy, promoting a nurturing approach beyond traditional methods focused solely on behavior.

Dr. Neufeld emphasizes the importance of love, care, and a responsive relationship between caregivers and children. These elements are crucial for helping children grow emotionally and socially.

The Roots of Delinquency

To effectively prevent youth delinquency, we must understand what leads to these behaviors. It’s essential to differentiate between "delinquent" actions, which are harmful, immoral, or criminal, and behaviors that may simply be inconvenient or annoying. This distinction is vital to addressing the underlying issues and finding real solutions.

There are many theories of delinquency, and much research is being done. We find differences in brain structure and functioning, early experience, socialization processes, and parenting styles. Sociologists speak to factors such as poverty, societal expectations, mob mentality, and family breakdown. However, these factors alone don't provide a complete picture of why some youth engage in harmful criminal and immoral actions.

Through his extensive work with young people who exhibit delinquent behavior, Dr. Neufeld has observed a common thread: many of these individuals display notable emotional immaturity. Even though they may seem confident and physically grown, many have not developed emotionally at a level that matches their age.

Dr. Neufeld highlights three critical areas in which many troubled youth struggle with maturity: 

1. their ability to stand independently as individuals, 

2. their capacity to process experiences and express themselves in a balanced manner, and 

3. their aptitude for learning from their mistakes.

The prefrontal cortex – the civilizing mixing bowl of the brain – is no more developed than the average 4-year-old’s, and the corpus callosum – that bridge that allows us to use both sides of our brain to solve problems – is also smaller than it should be.

Additionally, these young individuals experience a malfunctioning emotional alarm system. Dr. Neufeld explains that our brain's alarm system is vital for maintaining caution and responsibility. When this system is ineffective, young people may act impulsively or carelessly. Studies indicate that many young offenders exhibit this kind of malfunctioning alarm system.

We can indeed turn off our alarm system temporarily through alcohol or drugs, but not all people who use substances commit harmful crimes.

So, what leads to both a lack of emotional growth and a dysfunctional alarm system? I want to quote Neufeld directly, 

“Both psychological maturation and a working alarm system depend upon a healthy limbic system (i.e., emotional brain). Most simply put, we need to feel our feelings, even the most tender and vulnerable ones, in order for the brain to be able to move us to caution when appropriate and to enable us to grow up over time. Emotion is both the engine of maturation and the motor of the alarm system.”

However, tender feelings are also a luxury that many brains cannot afford. When our wounds are too much to bear, we become emotionally desensitized, thus losing the very feelings that are required to realize our human potential as civilized and considerate beings.

“The root of the problem 

is emotional desensitization, 

or in intuitive language, 

hardened hearts.”

People who engage in delinquent behavior, regardless of their age, hide from their feelings of vulnerability. This avoidance can prevent them from developing important emotional awareness and maturity. Dr. Neufeld discovered that many young people he worked with who displayed delinquent behavior were missing key emotions that are necessary for becoming well-rounded, fully developed individuals.

Empowering Youngsters

As we have established emotions play a crucial role in empowering young people and fostering their growth.

Maintaining a healthy emotional balance is achieved by encouraging the expression of feelings rather than relying solely on logic or perceptions.

Dr. Neufeld recommends avoiding phrases like “calm down,” “cut it out,” or “be brave,” as they can hinder children from freely expressing themselves.

When children cannot articulate their feelings, it can result in challenges such as misplaced emotions (e.g., aggression), emotional flatness (e.g., depression), and difficulty adapting to life’s challenges in an age-appropriate manner.

Dr. Neufeld also highlights that separation can often trigger significant worry and frustration for children. The emotional brain's primary role is to heal feelings of separation, helping to minimize unnecessary distance and facilitating connections even when apart.

Simple yet meaningful messages can significantly enhance the emotional bond. 

Phrases like “I can’t wait for dinner with you tonight” or “I’m looking forward to breakfast in the morning” can strengthen connections and reduce feelings of separation. 

Additionally, warm facial expressions, which Dr. Neufeld refers to as “collecting the eyes,” play a critical role in communication.

Strategies for Supporting Emotional Development:

“The answer again is right under our noses. The major finding of a large study of adolescents was that what preserved their emotional health was strong emotional relationships with caring adults. 

The only way we can shield our children and youth from wounds too much to bear, is through the strength of their attachments to us.” - Dr. Gordon Neufeld

In Summary:

- Maintaining strong connections 

throughout daily life helps bridge gaps 

during physical separations.

- Navigating conflicts while staying connected 

during disagreements about needs, expectations, 

time, and values can help build frustration tolerance 

and alleviate unnecessary alarms in children.

- Opting for consistent yet mindful discipline 

methods that promote connection 

rather than separation fosters trust and understanding. 

This approach supports the development of 

emotional vulnerability and cultivates 

a healthy internal alarm system.

- When safe, 

communicating clearly and utilizing natural consequences 

allows children to experience their emotions 

and encourages accountability.

Demonstrating values through personal example, 

engaging in play, and sharing stories enriches 

children's learning experience.

- Finally, 

using one’s own mistakes 

as learning moments can foster 

resilience and understanding in children.

♡ We can help young people develop the skills 

they need to grow and thrive 

by fostering emotional connections 

and encouraging expression. ♡

With love,

Lelia Schott

Certified Neuro-Emotional Practitioner & Parent Coach

Lelia Schott is an internationally recognized advocate for respectful parenting with over a decade of experience. She has worked with families and neurodiverse individuals, integrating her knowledge of Interpersonal Neurobiology, Trauma-Recovery, and Positive Discipline.