"The best thing you can do for your kids is do your own work". — IRIS MCALPIN. 12 Questions on The NARM Model of Self Inquiry

3 Responses to 12 NARM Questions as answered by Iris McAlpin Read the full original article here  

More information about NARM as developed by Dr. Laurence Heller over the course of his 45 year clinical career is available from the NARM site here.  Or watch the introductory video below.  

"The best thing you can do for your kids 

is do your own work" 

IRIS MCALPIN. 

Question 8 

What can we do to ensure that we don’t traumatize our own children the way we were traumatized, especially since that’s the template we know?

I know people don’t like to hear this, but even the most well intentioned parents in the world will likely do or say something (or not do or say something) that leaves a traumatic wound. That does not make you a bad parent, it makes you human. The best thing you can do for your kids is to do your own work. See a therapist, coach or other trained mental health professional. Get support. Do what you can to foster your own happiness.

Children learn from watching adults, so if you can model how to take care of yourself, they will internalize that. I also highly recommend the books Trauma Proofing Your Kids by Peter Levine and Maggie Kline, and Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller and Aline LaPierre.

Question 10.

When we do this work, why do our families feel so threatened? And how might their behaviours change toward us?

To put it simply, they feel threatened because it’s threatening. As Brad teaches us in training, when we start to heal our trauma and reconnect with ourselves, we’re usually met with the intense emotions that caused us to disconnect with ourselves in the first place.

These are emotions like rage and grief, and they can be really overwhelming and scary at first. Our healing can also feel quite threatening to our primary attachment relationships (i.e. our relationships with our parents), even if our parents are long gone. If we adapted in certain ways to avoid judgement or rejection from the people responsible for our survival growing up (parents/caregivers), changing might feel like a threat to those connections.

People will go to great lengths to protect those connections, because the stakes can feel like life or death. This is because it actually is when we’re young. So, if our healing process starts to expose chinks in other people’s armour, it makes sense for that to be triggering if someone isn’t prepared to deal with that.

Question 12.

Can you explain the different attachment styles, what we can learn from them, and how we can apply them to our lives?

According to NARM, “there are five developmental life themes and associated core resources that are essential to our capacity for self-regulation and affect our ability to be present to self and others in the here-and-now.

Connection: We feel that we belong in the world. We are in touch with our body and our emotions and capable of consistent connection with others.

Attunement: Our ability to know what we need and to recognize, reach out for, and take in the abundance that life offers.

Trust: We have an inherent trust in ourselves and others. We feel safe enough to allow a healthy interdependence with others.

Autonomy: We are able to say no and set limits with others. We speak our mind without guilt or fear.

Love-Sexuality: Our heart is open and we are able to integrate a loving relationship with a vital sexuality.

To the degree that these five basic needs are met, we experience regulation and connection. We feel safe and trusting of our environment, fluid and connected to ourselves and others. We experience a sense of regulation and expansion. To the degree that these basic needs are not met, we develop survival styles to try to manage the disconnection and dysregulation.”

Read more about NARM here